Don't Bring Yourself Down
Most people are familiar with her less-than-wonderful traits, like being too ambitious (or too little), a weakness for wine or cookies, a bit of temperament, or an annoying tendency to rattle about pet interests. We usually know when to make mistakes, get the facts wrong, be more skilled, or deserve to feel remorseful.
Some people are wrong on the side of denying or defending these flaws (a word I use broadly here). But most people go to the other extreme and repeatedly criticize themselves in the foreground of consciousness or have a background feeling of guilt, unworthiness and low self-confidence. It is one thing to stand up for a mistake, understand what caused it, resolve to correct it, act accordingly, and move on. This is mentally healthy and morally accountable.
It is a different thing to be totally immersed in yourself, berating your own character, immersing yourself in the negative and ignoring the good in you, wanting yourself - in other words, beating yourself up. This excessive internal criticism tears you down instead of building your strengths; It's stressful and thus affects your mood, health, and longevity. Beating yourself up doesn't help others either. Most of the time, they don't even know you are doing it, and when they do they usually wish you would stop. Harsh self-criticism can also be a way to avoid real remorse, take responsibility, make up for the past, and do the hard work to prevent the mistake in the future.
In addition, the accusations and scorn we throw at ourselves are often based on nasty scolding, verbal abuse, rejections, and humiliations we experienced as children: bad enough they did this to you then, and worse, that you did it to yourself today. How? Pick a small bug - ex. E.g. a few minutes late, interruption or too much dessert - then try two approaches. First, talk to yourself about it like you would a supportive but matter-of-fact friend, coach, teacher, or therapist. Notice how this feels and what the results are for you. Let's call this the encouraging approach. Second, talk to yourself about it like an alarmed and intense critic - maybe like your father, older sister, or a minister or teacher talked to you. How does this approach feel and what are its results?
Let the differences between the approaches sink in. How do you feel inside when you listen to everyone? What do you think of the influences in your life that spawned each approach? What are the distortions or fixations of the negative in the critical approach? Let yourself be built with a real conviction as to which approach is better for you - and a real determination to use which is best for you. Then if you find a flaw in yourself - no need to look it up, it will appear by itself! - really try to use the encouraging approach. Name yourself the mistake and unreservedly admit the facts. Open to any reasonable repentance. Commit yourself to skillful corrections for the future. And then take a deep breath and consciously name three strengths or virtues that you have. Let the sense of her and your natural goodness sink in. And then take another deep breath and move on
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