Things That Make Love Real

The truth is, "real" doesn't happen until you've started developing a relationship. The contrast is real. The triggers are real. The drift is real. That's why relationships are so difficult. Taking the real and building something with it instead of hiding or running away from it takes a lot of work. Inner work. An honest look at yourself and some personal responsibility. This creates the legs of a relationship. Let's examine what is real.

The contrast. Not just different tastes in food, books and music. I'm not talking about if you are vegan and your friend cannot eat without eating meat. Or if you have a sugar tooth and your girlfriend just likes salty treats. I'll talk about your wiring, your love languages, your attachment style, your definition of love, and the way you process things.

Your wiring. We are all wired differently because of our stories. The way we were brought up and the experiences we have had shaped us. They create our beliefs, our patterns, and our reactions. This directly affects the relationship. It makes love real. Love languages. We all give and receive love differently. Your love language can be words of affirmation and physical touch like mine, and your partner's can be an act of service and quality time. And if you don't understand how each of you expresses love, people can feel unloved. We assume that the way we love is universal. But the truth is, we all speak love differently. This directly affects the relationship. It makes love real.

Investment styles. Because we were all raised differently, the way we bond with others is different. And our reactions to our intimate love relationships have a direct impact on the everyday life of our relationship. If you have an avoidable style of investing, you may have a tendency to run or hide. When you have an anxious attachment style, you can fear being abandoned and seek constant reassurance. That's a real thing. It directly affects the relationship. It makes love real.

The triggers. Nobody enters adulthood unharmed. This means that we all have police images of certain experiences that we have not healed or resolved. This means we all have triggers, things that throw up old shit and make us react in certain ways. If a stranger or acquaintance triggers something in us, we can ignore it or pass it by. It's temporary, a one-time thing. Or far and in between. But when it comes out of our house, we cannot ignore it. It can be Chinese water torture. We are constantly being thrown into our relationship. This directly affects our relationship. It makes love real. The drift.

We all drift. It doesn't matter how great the relationship is. Drift is normal. Personal life transitions and winters can lead to drift. Our everyday life can create drift. Raising children can create drift. As someone who has a six month old, I can tell you that 8 out of 10 times I will choose sleep over intimacy. Schedules, deadlines, and tasks can distract us from our partner and we can start drifting.

Then there is social media. Filters, selfies, models driving cartwheels against sunset. Half-naked people with perfect bodies publish their workouts. Fantasies in exotic places. Even when we know these images are angled, altered, and maybe even fabricated, dopamine is still shooting into our brains. It still causes us to compare it to our own life. Flee. Fantasize. Imagine. To wish. Want. If you do this enough, you will turn around and be shocked at how far away you are from your home - girlfriend / wife and children, whatever your home is.

The truth is that you can fall in love with someone any day if you allow yourself to. We are humans and humans are drawn to one another on many different levels. It's normal and instinctive. But back to Piver's quote: "Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things."

Drift is normal. That is what makes relationships real. Even if you don't go through a life transition or winter and are not hit by advertising and social media and never notice someone attractive in real life, no relationship is perfect. So there will be some kind of drift if there is turbulence in your relationship, even if it's for a day. This does not mean that there is something wrong with you or the relationship.